Female dictionary

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Lazing the weekend away  with this small collection of weird things girls say or do that leave men confused…and what they mean.

1.We don’t talk anymore

The conversation is going perfectly well. Peppered with hearty laughs here and there. Then madam’s tone changes. “Babe, we don’t talk anymore” And you stand there startled. What does she  mean? Have we not been talking!!? No, don’t start telling her that you actually talk.. Because she is right. You DO NOT talk. I mean, you do not have deep CON.VER.SA.TIONs anymore.  I also do not know what women mean by the word conversation. What I know is that  there comes that point in time you feel  like you are not connecting mentally, emotionally, small talk wise, big talk wise and all.

Or she probably puts it more bluntly, like “you don’t  have time for me these days“… And you wonder what she means, you do not understand because you are with her that time, and you were together the day before, and two days before that.  I’ll tell you what she means. You are spending time with her, yes, but you are mostly busy on other things. Either you are preoccupied with this and that idea, or football, or PS (who invented this thing by the way????) or whatever other thing was distracting you. You are not actively contributing to conversations, or maybe, something is just disturbing you. Please try be more attentive to her, and at least participate actively in conversations at the bare minimum. This small fight will soon be history.

2. I’m done, for good.

Don’t call me, don’t  text me…like I am done this time.  I think I have given you more than enough chances. Literally, this means you are not supposed to call her, ever again. But try not call her. War.

So you won’t call me huh? You wrong me and expect me to start looking for you, really?? Kwani you are not planning to fight for this relationship. Can’t we just fight and make up? What is the future of a relationship where you cannot disagree and be mad at each other  for some time…”

She will continue blathering and making you feel guilty for taking her words seriously. Did she not tell you not to call her anyway?I will not be on the ladies side here.  If you want him to talk to you later, tell him just that. Something like, “You have annoyed me, and my mind tells me that I don’t want to talk to you again. But just call me later. It’s okay. I will be ready to make up…”Or something more straight like: “I am telling you not to talk to me, but my expectation is that you are going to fight  for me, for us.!”

Why torture him with mixed commands? How will he know when you want him to take you seriously and when you don’t mean what you say? Digest that.

3.  Keep talking to whoever you were talking to

You missed her call. One of those days Missus has a lot of time in her hands. So she goes to whatsapp to wait for you there.  You are not online, but soon you will be there. Her instincts are never wrong, you come online before you return her call. And you do! You are now online, you are not ‘typing’…and you freaking hell missed her call and haven’t called back.

So here is the thing. Whatsapp will be end of a lot of women, and men alike. She will calculate how many minutes you are online with increasing womanly anger. There is no win here. Fail to text her and it’s another fight altogether. The fact that you are online means you definitely have seen her missed call, and you have your phone with you. (She will do a lot of Math on how to deal with you)….And if you text her, she most probably won’t respond. Or she will tell you to keep talking to whoever you were talking to. Si uendelee kuongea na mwenye ulikuwa unaongea na yeye.  She was counting nanoseconds and having monologues…how is he online and he is not talking to me.

I do not have a solution for this, but we got your back. We are  fully aware of your circumstances and will try come up with a solution.

But for a start if she has refused to talk to you on whatsapp, ask yourself how long you were online before you send her the message, or if you have returned her previous call/text…And make amends going forward.

4.I am this kind of a girl

This one is common, especially with the campus divas. Ati I am a flowers, teddies, chocolates and holidays kind of girl. Mark you, this is a girl who has never bought herself a fudge, or even a teddy bear for a key holder. But she will chip in her love for these things at every available opportunity. My genuine third cent is that if you want something, just go ahead and ask for it. Like why are we beating about the bush? And don’t force it. Just because so and so got flowers, you now tell your boyfriend to send you flowers in the office, and chocolates and what message tag. But Valentine’s day is going to be a bit tricky, we can bend the rule of forcing things. Like you should  know she cannot be the only one eating other people’s chocolates while she is putting nothing on the table! Hint hint, do something on valentines day. And remember important dates for Pete’s sake.

5. Alter egos

I saved complex things for last. There is some spirit of self exultation that enters a normal woman’s mind when she is around him. She will be all fine and all down to earth when coming for that date. She will even wobble in those six-inche heels across town. Then she meets you, and snap, a whole new woman inside her is let loose. She will order things she cannot even pronounce, pick a very refined accent, and loosely drop hobbies she does not even know. Like telling you how she loves skating and Scuba diving when in reality the deepest she has gone under water is when the roads flooded. She will speak of designers and her fine  taste for life. Dare take her to a shady restaurant and she won’t talk to you anytime this year. Do not mention that you once spotted her at that fast food place around River road that is open 24hours for revelers. The one you are talking to now, does not even take fries. What was the name of that South C chic again who could not eat cheap foods like fries?

And after that date, hire a cab for her. That is if you are not dropping her there yourself. How do you expect such a diva to walk though? (Yeah yeah, because she took a flight to come for that date. Smh!). But let me share some secret. If she insists on standards on material things day in day out…open your eyes. That is a woman who will never see you for anything more than your wallet. I might not be an expert here, but love has no complications and no pride. If what she feels is something close to love, you sure will know by the drive of her conversations, her realness and her ability to enjoy the small moments with magical gaiety.

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