The experiences here may be personal, but the truths are universal.
For the girls waiting on their men, the girlfriends trying to keep their men, the married women tolerating their men, the divorcees who got fed up with their men; and the hopelessly enamored who can’t get enough of their men… For our men, the ones exhausted of trying too hard to please their women, the clueless ones riding in the tide trying to figure it out and the ones who found their perfectly imperfect match…this is to you!
The six stages of relationships…
In ordinary course of business, on a normal day and in the least expected of places, we get our first encounters with our potential partners. Possibly strike a conversation, exchange numbers or connect on social media and life goes on…The real problem comes when they declare their intention to take you out on a date. That wow moment when it dawns on you that they possibly like you and are interested in getting to know you at a personal level and now it looks like you have just found the father of your 3 beautiful children whose names you will agree on when you meet 😀 …(one round of applause for this new family in your head 😀 😀)
First dates come with pressure and everything to worry about. We worry about impressing, being ourselves, being in sync mentally and socially and striking a balance between acting interested in seeing what comes out of the date without coming out as needy. Part of you wants to talk about your future plans without factoring them in; but part of you wants to talk in a way that leaves a safe room to give them the hint that you are open to the idea of having them in your future. You sit across the table, itching to talk about your past but are also afraid of revealing all your cards- because the general rule is that in a game of cards, you do not reveal all your cards unless the game is over…
First dates that go well are tabled to the crew even before the other party is out of sight. “I just met the love of my life, he is goals, a fruit punch of perfection, talks like a god, my soul and his soul one side, and theen, he is a nice guy- *different!* …In fact, even if he wants us to get married tomorrow I am down for it. (Slow down, s.l.o.w.d.o.w.n.c.h.i.l.d).
Any who, you and yours talk for hours about virtually everything and remain careful not to say anything that could sabotage your young love. You laugh more, you smile more and the glow is radiant; it’s all good. Hopelessly infatuated you are!
Fyi… Infatuation will make your dopamine levels rise, producing a full-body euphoria that causes humans to to overlook faults, remain fixated on the idea of perfection and crave intimacy.
Nowww, the relationship starts here! We get familiar, and out of that contempt is bred. There is the sudden realization that they are not all that. What did I notice in the first place? How did I end up here? What did I get myself into?
Everything about them seems normal, achievements are norm, effort is taken as what he should do anyway. We don’t jump to conversations and plans as warmly as we used to. We start turning down offers and learn to give a curt ‘no’ to ideas that are not convenient for us.
- Comfort zone
Comfort zone is when you get weary of your relationship/companionship/partnership (however you call it). When you think about your own individual self more and shift the focus to what works best for you. It’s the misguided notion that you two are separate individuals with the right to do just about anything that pleases you because we imagine that he/she will always be there regardless.
This one is cultivated by blue ticks and endless relationship plans that always seem to fail for one reason or another. You often catch yourself wondering if you are still in this relationship and why they are acting single. Usually, one party has an edge and is less attached while the other party finds themselves endlessly scrolling through conversations trying to figure out what they said wrong, or retrace their steps in an attempt to find the one wrong step that led to the drift. But in the midst of it all, there is also the sweltering urge to prove to them that you do have a life beside them and are perfectly okay without them. You know, you could as well be everywhere else with anyone else rather than putting up with their *bs. A lot of this stage will be ‘he doesn’t do this, she does not appreciate anything I do, he sucks at this, he’s emotionally aloof, she’s too clingy for life, if I meant anything to them, they wouldn’t have done that….(But why are you reading this like I have a solution for you? Kila mtu ang’ang’ane na hali yake; or better yet, pambaneni tu, mtatoboa 😀 😀 )
- Break up make up
With familiarity and subsequent comfort, we possibly start the break up make up cycle. We all can point out one couple that is always like ‘this time we are serious about this break up’…Then 10 hours later there are back at it with ‘the love of my life, apple of my eye, my world and beyond and stuff like that…Truth is, if we are authentically and unapologetically ourselves, we definitely will rub each other wrong once in a while and we may want to reclaim our freedom now and then.
- Settling down
And finally, somewhere in the back and forth, we settle down; by naturalization or by choice.
By naturalization is when a baby comes in the midst of I am done, it’s not working…and boom, baby on the way! You now realize that you are not about to go anywhere. By choice is when you (finally) agree to set your differences aside and figure it all out together- this time-intentionally.
P.s…Neither of you is perfect, and the quirks you both have are here to stay. So here’s to perfectly imperfect relationships 🙂 🙂
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Big little girl | story teller for all seasons | Kenyan |