The coulda boyfriend

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realIn a world of perfection, the idea would have been to meet, greet, click, date, marry, live happily ever after. But we live in an imperfect world, marred with flawed people and flawed situations.  Between the meet and  happily ever after, we swing between coulda, woulda and  shoulda circumstances. Am I sure? Can I stand this? Who does that? What kind of girls has he been dating? He is so clueless it hurts…

So the magnifying lens is prominently on the coulda boyfriend today. This is that one boy who could have been your boyfriend if he behaved right; better than he does.

He puts in just enough effort to keep you coming back, he forgets just enough times to keep your patience, he lies just enough times in the pretext that he is ‘protecting you’ to make you remotely believe that he pro’lly cares about your emotions…he keeps just enough mystery to keep you curious: to make you want to unravel the mystery for your own satisfaction. He has mastered the art of keeping his options open perfectly enough to trigger you to put in work to try close the other options. And he treats just enough times to keep you appreciative of the rare kind gestures! Before I delve deep into this, let’s agree that the coulda boyfriend is most likely the one you will end up marrying after all because the boy child is becoming endangered over time, and your predecessors have done a good job in convincing you that you make your man, you have to put in work to that boy…

The coulda boyfriend is passive agrressive.  He is a lazy hunter. A hunter because he will approach you, and lazy because he cannot pursue you 100%. You meet him somewhere in between. My fodder for blog examples, let’s call him Gee, says that it’s a price tag. He intimated to me that men of a certain calibre have a price tag too and thus they can only go so far in pursuing a woman; pursuit is a two way street..

Such a suitor operates by hints and it is your duty to push him into action. He is naturally a sweet tongue and knows just what to say to keep you tuned. He is cultured in his talk and highly refined in his promises. When it comes to his actions though, he is a piece of work. He is the king in the kingdom of overpromising and under delivering…And you are the listening queen of that kingdom who thinks she can change him. (Hang in there girl, wicked laugh)

He has a phobia for taking initiative on dates and will say less than necessary when it comes to plans. He makes you meet him half way and leaves you no chance of saying no, because you equally work and plan for that date. He will wake you up to ‘I miss you’ texts day in day out but not take the lead in doing something about that missing.

Fyi*When you miss someone, (a girl), you plan to do something about it. You seek to know how their schedule is and when you can meet, and where, and at what time. I have felt it important to underline those words because a coulda boyfriend will tell you that ‘we should have coffee sometimes’ and leave it at that. It is up to you to now call them and follow up. To swallow your pride and start the “Enhe? Bado tunameet? Lini? Wapi? Saa ngapi…” conversation

CaptureThe coulda boyfriend is the master of excuses. Sorry I forgot, sorry I did not respond in time, sorry I stood you up. Work called. Sorry I did not show up, my tummy was aching… Sorry I haven’t talked to you all day…I am stressed/ I have a lot going on in my life. Sorry I still keep tabs with my ex, she is the one who keeps insisting on me. Sorry she got pregnant, she drugged me. She must have cast a spell on me…

The coulda boyfriend commitment phobic. He will never come clean on what he wants with you. He will never come clean on what the deal with the other girl was/is either. And coulda boyfriends don’t break up. But again, you cannot break up because there was never an express agreement of exclusivity. You met, first date, second  date, third turn up, fourth time you met his boys. He had promised to introduce you to his boys if you were good enough. And playing good you don’t come second. So he introduced you, the boys knew you. And you probably struck a friendship with one of the boys, the one you occasionally call to ask where your boy is. step upWith time, you met part of the family. Brothers, sisters; never the parents. His people knew you, and your people knew him too. There was never a label and you would not bring yourself to ask. You expected a surprise proposal after all.  Being a girl is a hard affair, we want clarity right from the word go, but we also want to let him take the lead and surprise us. The general rule is to sound  disinterested, to make it clear that at the end of the day, you are the one ultimately making the choice, that you are spoilt for options… For months and years, you sorta dated, sorta. Until someone else disturbed the status quo and tough conversations had to be initiated. High chances are that the conversation was wonderfully evaded. You- who is the mistress of well crafted and leading conversations- successfully failed in obtaining answers from him! (Let’s give a round of applause for your successful failure)

The coulda boyfriend is the victim of the script. Have you met this crème that is always right and she is wrong. They won’t admit abvious wrongs, they won’t say sorry, they blame you for their own misdeeds. Phone calls are mostly to inform you of their stomachache, headache, finger ache, lip ache (I think because you bit it), eye itch…every little ache must be brought to your attention and it is your duty to find the woiyes, you’ll be fine, please see a doc, I am so sorry and all the forced concern you can find. If it is not the ache in his body, it is the grand complaint that you did not text him in the morning, or din’ call him, or you din’ remind him that we were supposed to have a date’. If you dare complain about his self-righteous behaviour, he twists it real quick, he does not like fights. So you make the wise decision to quit complainining/fighting even though this queendom of complaining is a woman’s territory. In any case, this créme knows how to run your queendom better than yourself…

imperefectAnd above all, the coulda boyfriend is the star of his own script. It is about his time, his boys, his car, his investments, his career, his studies and seldom about you. Compromise to his own schedule is crime. Refer to point number 4 and pick the message that if you question him, you are now fighting…You should not question the star of the script. At the end of the day, you know everything about him, and he knows nothing about you. Because he dominates every conversation talking about himself, and you dominate the silence listening to him… But at the end of the day, it is of such imperfections that we find our perfection.

Ps. The descriptions here are not in any way directed to any particular person. But if the shoe fits, feel free to wear it

10 thoughts on “The coulda boyfriend

  1. Haha…i.love this part
    “He will wake you up to ‘I miss you’ texts day in day out but not take the lead in doing something about that missing.”
    Awesome piece Kim…

    Like

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