It occurred to me that in marriage, there were laws beneath that had passed unnoticed; and laws that would never have made sense (in theory) because we have to live through them to comprehend…Here’s to both.
The little law of flight landing
This little law states that you can never land so smoothly that you do not notice the change.
And change comes in many ways and with special demands. Some effortless-like shifting from I to We or Mine to ours in conversations. Some a little too much to ask of an adult but nonetheless necessary. Like learning how to shift the conversation from ‘I am doing this’ to ‘I was thinking of doing a,b,c,d; what are your thoughts about it’. And when you expect a ‘Brilliant! Great idea, go forth and conquer’ response, you will likely receive a cut no. And you sit there in utter shock wondering how long you should wait before telling them that on the contrary, you were actually just telling them what you are going to do, not asking them for permission to do it. (as they seem to have interpreted for themselves)
This little law is here to remind you that you will, and in fact must, experience teethinglotiosis (scientific name for teething problems in marriage).
Once in a while, you will call the committee in your head for a quick yoga session to keep calm because you have some serious negotiation with bae that you cannot afford to lose. And in due time, you realize that different strokes work for different battles. Some will be won by using words only, some by acts of kindness, some by summoning tears for nothing 😂. And at the end of it all, some battles will be won and some will be lost.
Teething problems version 2 are as a result of getting into a new family; a prospect that is as exciting as is arduous- worrying even. More for women than it is for men. We worry about how long it will take us to adapt and learn the new rules without losing ourselves, worry about matching the expectations and being a courteous enough, hardworking enough and likeable enough addition. Sons of Abraham on the other hand are forever under the pressure of being a worthy mate and offering the most. (because just enough is not enough she said )
For some daft reason, I will start with an apology for ghosting you readers for most part of the year gone. Indeed, the days were long (extraordinaire); and before we knew it, the year gone. But was it that short?
Mathematically speaking, 2020 lasted approximately 24 months and 969 years. In religious language, this translates to all the suns and moons that Methuselah lived through. Financially, it was a year of lean returns and socially, the interactions were (close to ) nil for the better part of the year. And yet we lived through it and are part of a generation that will live to tell other generations all about it. Shall we raise our glasses in gratitude? It was undeniably a unique year and we learnt (rather quickly) that there was always a different way of doing things. That it was possible to press a pause button on calendars and timelines because health came before all else. That it was possible to actually work remotely and that probably, social gatherings were overrated. In all these, we rethought strategies and reorganized plans because at the end of the day, life had to go on.
Welcome to my small ted talk today. Been feeling a little extra on this love topic lately- call me cupid (ess)*
We do not look for partners to complete us; rather to complement us. How true, and yet how false at the same time. The younger me would object… I would say that we choose partners (whether for relationships or occasional trysts) who make us whole; in the sense that with and around them, we feel ‘more of what we are’, more complete, more accomplished, happier, more alive and everything admirable. The me (now) would concur. I would say that before you know who you wholly are outside of someone else, you will never find any form of completeness from another. That being in any relationship will not make you any happier if you are not already happy with yourself. My point here is that it is only when we are comfortable with who we are that we can truly function independently and in a healthy way in our relationships.
Between my last post in October last year and now, I traveled to the moon, passed by hell, got stuck in my own space for a moment and now I am back on earth, back down to earth; no pun intended. (Sips tea). Okay, what I am saying in many words is that a lot happened between then and now; but that is no excuse for my inconsistency. This year, (and I like to keep my word), will see a lot of consistency from me.
Anywho, somewhere in my roller-coaster, I found myself in this heart to heart tête-à-tête. I don’t know how we ended up in the part of what we could have done differently….like if you knew what you know now, what would you have done differently.
Nothing, I said. I think in life, there are no misplaced steps…..we need all of them; I added.
My intention to write this is as old as time! (How cheesy!).
I have typed and deleted this post not less than sixteen times in the last three years… Unsure, unprepared, feeling ‘not good enough’ and afraid of letting the world tread into my own battles. I go through tough times and think that I should let my daughter know that this path leads nowhere, she should try another route. I go through thought provoking sessions with a nod, occasionally smiling to myself and thinking ‘Wow, I’d love my daughter to know this; it would help her’. And for every wrong turn I make as a daughter, I take a mental note for my future daughter. I somehow have always found myself in this state: of taking notes and making hushed wishes for a child unborn. But with a life as flawed as mine, I have always held my thoughts for the fear of sounding like a botch too conversant with the script, obviously trying to make up for her mistakes by defining the path for her daughter: which would be utterly unfair.
But I feel ready today, more like I feel ready now!
By and large, 2017 was an amazing year for me. This is a collection of short notes to the people who propelled me to high heights, and the people who held my back at the lowest of moments. It is my way of saying THANK YOU! Ps. This is a continuation of the gratitude challenge which I left at the count of 8
To tell the story of happy endings without the struggles and choices that ultimately lead to the happy ending is elusion at another level. To tell the story of loving deeply and believing in the promise of an endless passionate love without appreciating and understanding that young love can be tragic and heart-breaking is deception. And yet as we grow old and grow up, we learn that we cannot avoid exposing ourselves to the tragedy because love is as much a basic need as food, shelter and clothing. While some of us are lucky enough to keep spark of the young love all the way to the alter, most of us go through heartbreaks and tragedies that, even though injure our hearts, mold the same hearts into understanding the dynamics of loving and the routine of selfless love. Of acing the struggles and challenges of our relationships and living together ever after. (Possibly happily). We learn that in love, getting it wrong is part of getting it right…
I was in campus, young, aggressive and ambitious! I sat across the table in utter amazement; wondering what people did and how they did it to achieve half of what he had in twice his age. He had landed a dream job in a dream company right after his undergrad studies. And he was the type that bloomed wherever they were planted. He loved his job and his job and the bosses loved him too.
“Are you just lucky or do the stars simply align for you wherever you go? I mean how do you manage to achieve so much, so effortlessly wherever you are…” I asked with a slight pinch of intimidation. His success story could easily intimidate anyone.
And behold we have the President of the Republic of Kenya. What a week! Allow me to take you just a few steps back, the weeks before the week!
For purposes of this post, we shall start by some quick definitions.
An ordinary household– This was a household whose main political interest was either Baba, or the retention of Uthamaki.
An extra-ordinary household– This is a household whose political interest was beyond the presidential ballot. One of the family members was vying for a political seat.
Le famille extraordinaire– This is closely related to the extra-ordinary household. The only tiny detail I would like to add is that the person vying was independently contending. This is a family that had already gone through the first round of disappointment and was waiting for the second round with butterfly anxiety.
In a world of perfection, the idea would have been to meet, greet, click, date, marry, live happily ever after. But we live in an imperfect world, marred with flawed people and flawed situations. Between the meet and happily ever after, we swing between coulda, woulda and shoulda circumstances. Am I sure? Can I stand this? Who does that? What kind of girls has he been dating? He is so clueless it hurts…
So the magnifying lens is prominently on the coulda boyfriend today. This is that one boy who could have been your boyfriend if he behaved right; better than he does.
He puts in just enough effort to keep you coming back, he forgets just enough times to keep your patience, he lies just enough times in the pretext that he is ‘protecting you’ to make you remotely believe that he pro’lly cares about your emotions…he keeps just enough mystery to keep you curious: to make you want to unravel the mystery for your own satisfaction. He has mastered the art of keeping his options open perfectly enough to trigger you to put in work to try close the other options. (more…)