Little laws

Welcome to today’s class of little laws.

Worth mentioning now rather than later that this is no way a relationship/marriage/partnership manual. Just a collection of silent laws for the lines in between that passed unnoticed, and the ones that were so boldly written yet made no sense in theory because you had to live through them to comprehend…

The little law of flight landing

This little law states that you can never land so smoothly that you do not notice the change.

And change comes in many ways and with special demands. Some effortless-like shifting from I to We or Mine to ours in conversations. Some a little too much to ask of an adult but nonetheless necessary. Like learning how to shift the conversation from ‘I am doing this’ to ‘I was thinking of doing a,b,c,d; what are your thoughts about it’. And when you expect a ‘Brilliant! Great idea, go forth and conquer’ response, you will likely receive a cut no. You will sit there in utter shock wondering how long you should wait before telling them that on the contrary, you were actually just telling them what you are going to do, not asking them for permission to do it. (as they seem to have interpreted for themselves)

This little law is here to remind you that you will, and in fact must, experience teethinglotiosis (newest scientific name for teething problems in marriage).

Many a times, you will need to call the committee in your head for a quick yoga session to keep calm because you have some serious negotiation with bae that you cannot afford to lose. And in due time, you realize that different strokes work for different battles. Some will be won by using words only, some by dishing out acts of kindness, some by summoning tears when words and acts of kindness fail and indeed, most will only be won on your knees. And at the end of it all, some battles will be won and some will be lost.

Add the other small fact that you are getting into a new family; a prospect that is as exciting as is arduous- worrying even. More for women than it is for men. We worry about how long it will take us to adapt and learn the new rules without losing ourselves, worry about matching the expectations and being a courteous enough, hardworking enough and likeable enough addition. Sons of Abraham on the other hand are forever under the pressure of being a worthy mate and offering the most. (because just enough is not enough she said )

The law says that the landing might be bumpy, but the ending smooth: just like a plane landing on the runway

The little law of just enough.

It states that when it comes to in-laws and third parties; there is never ‘too little information’ to give but indeed-there is too much.

This little law is here to remind you that the less you say the better. It also seeks to remind you that your primary unit is your partner and that everyone else is secondary. It calls you to build healthy defensive boundaries. By defensive, I mean that it is your duty to be your partner’s first line of defense and therefore, the boundaries that you set should seek to protect the interests of your partner and shield them rather than expose them.

Speaking about exposing your partner to in laws and out laws, a lot is lost between what is said and meant and what is heard and interpreted on the other side. (especially to in-laws). One, because when it comes to in-laws; their child comes first and you second. (on both sides); and two , it is not their business anyway; or is it? For out-laws, it can be quite consoling to them to hear your problems because misery loves company.

Not in any way to be interpreted as forbidding you from seeking help, by all means do. But remember that at the end of the day, the solution (or lack thereof) is solely between the two of you.

The little law of sweeping your own backyard

The only proverbial little law. It advises that the only matters that should make you lose sleep are the ones in your own backyard.

Learning that your little unit is the only unit within your control… and breaking it down further- getting to accept that the flaws that you can fix are your own flaws. The best you can do is point out the things that they do that rankle you. But fact is, the decision to change or commit to do better is beyond you. (So unless you are planning to become a resident in your partner’s body and soul-and we both know aint no one got extra capacity- ) , understand that your role is to express thy concerns, let go and let God.

Remember, they are them, trying to meet your expectations; not a mini-you trying to remember who they were before you.

The little law of long suffering, a.k.a. endurance.

This one states that there are things that you have to endure for the rest of your of life- those little flaws that you noticed but were possibly too blinded by love to give a damn. As we learnt in the previous chapter, any flaw not in your own backyard is beyond you; and there is no guarantee that it will get any better with time. (And unapologetically so because you yourself chose them , unconditionally). It could be this habit, or that fetish or the other pet-peeve.

Thing about marriage is that the dopamine high does fade away at one point or another and when it does you notice all these things in tolerant annoyance.

Now brethren, just by virtue of coming from Venus and the other gender coming from Mars, you will need to remind yourself this law is every so often. And for sanity sake, you will learn to unlearn your definition of how things should be done and drop your expectation of getting perfection from your so impeccably flawed selves.

The little law of time, chance and Seasons

Big little law of time, chance and seasons: states that a lifetime is long enough to go through all seasons. There will be seasons of abudance and seasons of scarce returns, seasons of sickness and seasons of health , seasons of overflow of love and seasons of lack of love, seasons of  war and seasons of peace and tranquility.  Factfile: Marriage is 90% bliss and 10% war. How you handle the season of  war can easily turn the 10% to 90% . *Tajistories

Through it all- time and chance will be accorded to us all in due time. Live through your seasons with gentle composure. Stay humble and mindful in your high seasons and in low seasons, remind self that seasons are ephemeral.

As always, sending love and light your way.

*  When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

Circles

The days are long, but the years are short!

For some daft reason, I will start with an apology for ghosting you readers for most part of the year gone. Indeed, the days were long (extraordinaire); and before we knew it, the year gone. But was it that short?

Mathematically speaking, 2020 lasted approximately 24 months and 969 years. In religious language, this translates to all the suns and moons that Methuselah lived through. Financially, it was a year of lean returns and socially, the interactions were (close to ) nil for the better part of the year. And yet we lived through it and are part of a generation that will live to  tell other generations all about it. Shall we raise our glasses in gratitude? It was undeniably a unique year and we learnt (rather quickly) that there was always a different way of doing things. That it was possible to press a pause button on calendars and timelines because health came before all else. That it was possible to actually work remotely and that probably, social gatherings were overrated. In all these, we rethought strategies and reorganized plans because at the end of the day, life had to go on.

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Motherhood

MamaFor those of us to whom motherhood was thrust upon; amid everything but the fullness of time. Because birth control failed, or something went wrong somewhere, or our partners (in leisure and pleasure) were everything but ready.  And because of  the immaturity of time, they turned their backs on us- leaving us with nothing but a broken skeleton of hopelessness for a support system.

For those of us to whom motherhood came as an answered prayer. After countless nights of silent invocation to the Lord amidst despair and mockery. From invested in-laws who wouldn’t give us a moment’s peace, and folks of this world who, many a times, broke us into a thousand pieces with words  that were so innocently said,yet so deleterious to our ears. Because every single time they reminded us that it was time to stop denying their son the joy of fatherhood; or that it was time to let the world see the fruits of your womb; it reminded you of  the yearning of your womb and the bareness of time!

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Complete…

Welcome to my small ted talk today. Been feeling a little extra on this love topic lately- call me cupid (ess)*

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We do not look for partners to complete us; rather to complement us. How true, and yet how false at the same time. The younger me would object… I would say that we choose partners (whether for relationships or occasional trysts) who make us whole; in the sense that with and around them, we feel ‘more of what we are’, more complete, more accomplished, happier, more alive and everything admirable. The me (now) would concur. I would say that before you know who you wholly are outside of someone else, you will never find any form of completeness from another. That being in any relationship will not make you any happier if you are not already happy with yourself. My point here is that it is only when we are comfortable with who we are that we can truly function independently and in a healthy way in our relationships.

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A day in time…

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It started on one fine evening in the beginning of time; when the clock stood still for a moment and it occurred to me that this was THE one. He ticked every box (at least then) and it was clear in my head that this was the ‘IT’.

Over the next many months, I talked to him all day long; and spoke about him at every available opportunity- accorded and un-accorded alike. I am fine became a response of old and I quickly picked to… ‘The going is great, I am so in love and by the way I am also getting married soon🥰’. Depending on my own judgement of how much time you had for our chat, I would happily tell you about where it all started in the beginning of the end of my throne as the self-appointed ambassador of the “Men are trash” campaign. I would reintroduce myself as a pro bono advisor regarding the doctrine of ‘one true love’ and ‘good men still exist’ and ‘chivalry is not dead’. I stayed besotted, nice and doting on this Man who was showing me love and care in a way that I never thought I was deserving of; just a girl so gleefully optimistic of the promise of an unending love. Still.

*Cut*

Please go back and see the five words before I inserted, in brackets *at least then * in paragraph one above.

Does he still tick every box? Absolutely!  But over and above that, he also came with some extras/accessories which, not few a times, rile me to the last bone. This compact set of flaws that I had not subscribed to.  Hold that thought!

*9 August 2020.

Today is special! It’s experiential day. You may, or may not know, but we are currently undertaking premarital counselling classes. Me, mine: Another Five and Theirs. I don’t know about them but I am about to ‘my husband’ people to death. Let me consult with my husband, I will say. My husbae had a similar experience, I will chip into conversations unapologetically. Excuse me for a few minutes,  my husband is calling me… my husband this, my husband that, my husband here and my husband there.

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Newbie

Welcome on-board and once again- congratulations on your new role. Be it a promotion at work, a switch of careers or organizations or you are kick-starting your career. While this can be a very exciting experience, it comes with a lot of anxiety and uncertainties and here’s why…

  1. You will have moments of immense self-doubt.

Between figuring out your new role and getting to master it, there will be moments of unadulterated self-doubt.  On one hand, you want to be the ‘wow’ newbie and on the other hand you are starting to realize that eeerm, green is what you feel: majorly because there is a whole lot of learning, unlearning and relearning ahead of you. You find yourself constantly trading between trying to demonstrate that you are up to the task and figuring out what you are meant to do, how best to do it and how to create your space within the system.

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Silent Tale

He had the type of face one could easily forget even when looking at it. But he also had a manly demeanor that intrigued her. For the next couple of months after meeting (in no manner that called for tea to tell), she found herself mesmerized by this manly-yet paradoxical-demeanor. He was neither polite nor impolite in his approach, neither too much in giving of his attention nor too thirsty for her attention either, neither express about his intentions with her nor vague in his actions that to any rational human implied his intention. In a nutshell, he was neither here nor there right from the word go. Difficult to read; and a man wrapped in mystery is worth a fantasy trip, no? she thought in awe.

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Sunny side

Happy 2019!

Between my last post in October last year and now, I traveled to the moon, passed by hell, got stuck in my own space for a moment and now I am back on earth, back down to earth; no pun intended. (Sips tea). Okay, what I am saying in many words is that a lot happened between then and now; but that is no excuse for my inconsistency. This year, (and I like to keep my word), will see a lot of consistency from me.

Anywho, somewhere in my roller-coaster, I found myself in this heart to heart tête-à-tête. I don’t know how we ended up in the part of what we could have done differently….like if you knew what you know now, what would you have done differently.

Nothing, I said.  I think in life, there are no misplaced steps…..we need all of them; I added.

Is it? She asked, obviously underwhelmed

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Remembering my grandmother

I miss her in big portions. Some days more than others 😦 !

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Before our birthdays nowadays, we (generation Y and Z kids) have this thing we call #birthdaymonth and #birthdayweek. I tell you this because July was my birthday month and 9th July 2018 was the beginning of my birthday week. My grandmother took her last breath on this day-9th July 2018.

Our conversations never had any order in particular, but there was the general flow. That she would see me from as far as the gate and call me by name. That we would exchange pleasantries and then out of the blues she would say…

I am here where you left me waiting for my day, orthis my body does not have energy, my eyes can’t see anymore, my feet can no longer take me to the farm”.

It was always hard for me to believe her. It is difficult to believe that the woman who called you by name from miles away could possibly fault her eyesight.

It’s with this same difficulty that I received the news of her demise. (more…)

Perfectly imperfect matches…

The experiences here may be personal, but the truths are universal.
For the girls waiting on their men, the girlfriends trying to keep their men, the married women tolerating their men, the divorcees who got fed up with their men; and the hopelessly enamored who can’t get enough of their men… For our men, the ones exhausted of trying too hard to please their women, the clueless ones riding in the tide trying to figure it out and the ones who found their perfectly imperfect match…this is to you!
The six stages of relationships…

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