Welcome to today’s class of little laws.
Worth mentioning now rather than later that this is no way a relationship/marriage/partnership manual. Just a collection of silent laws for the lines in between that passed unnoticed, and the ones that were so boldly written yet made no sense in theory because you had to live through them to comprehend…
The little law of flight landing
This little law states that you can never land so smoothly that you do not notice the change.
And change comes in many ways and with special demands. Some effortless-like shifting from I to We or Mine to ours in conversations. Some a little too much to ask of an adult but nonetheless necessary. Like learning how to shift the conversation from ‘I am doing this’ to ‘I was thinking of doing a,b,c,d; what are your thoughts about it’. And when you expect a ‘Brilliant! Great idea, go forth and conquer’ response, you will likely receive a cut no. You will sit there in utter shock wondering how long you should wait before telling them that on the contrary, you were actually just telling them what you are going to do, not asking them for permission to do it. (as they seem to have interpreted for themselves)
This little law is here to remind you that you will, and in fact must, experience teethinglotiosis (newest scientific name for teething problems in marriage).
Many a times, you will need to call the committee in your head for a quick yoga session to keep calm because you have some serious negotiation with bae that you cannot afford to lose. And in due time, you realize that different strokes work for different battles. Some will be won by using words only, some by dishing out acts of kindness, some by summoning tears when words and acts of kindness fail and indeed, most will only be won on your knees. And at the end of it all, some battles will be won and some will be lost.
Add the other small fact that you are getting into a new family; a prospect that is as exciting as is arduous- worrying even. More for women than it is for men. We worry about how long it will take us to adapt and learn the new rules without losing ourselves, worry about matching the expectations and being a courteous enough, hardworking enough and likeable enough addition. Sons of Abraham on the other hand are forever under the pressure of being a worthy mate and offering the most. (because just enough is not enough she said )
The law says that the landing might be bumpy, but the ending smooth: just like a plane landing on the runway
The little law of just enough.
It states that when it comes to in-laws and third parties; there is never ‘too little information’ to give but indeed-there is too much.
This little law is here to remind you that the less you say the better. It also seeks to remind you that your primary unit is your partner and that everyone else is secondary. It calls you to build healthy defensive boundaries. By defensive, I mean that it is your duty to be your partner’s first line of defense and therefore, the boundaries that you set should seek to protect the interests of your partner and shield them rather than expose them.
Speaking about exposing your partner to in laws and out laws, a lot is lost between what is said and meant and what is heard and interpreted on the other side. (especially to in-laws). One, because when it comes to in-laws; their child comes first and you second. (on both sides); and two , it is not their business anyway; or is it? For out-laws, it can be quite consoling to them to hear your problems because misery loves company.
Not in any way to be interpreted as forbidding you from seeking help, by all means do. But remember that at the end of the day, the solution (or lack thereof) is solely between the two of you.
The little law of sweeping your own backyard
The only proverbial little law. It advises that the only matters that should make you lose sleep are the ones in your own backyard.
Learning that your little unit is the only unit within your control… and breaking it down further- getting to accept that the flaws that you can fix are your own flaws. The best you can do is point out the things that they do that rankle you. But fact is, the decision to change or commit to do better is beyond you. (So unless you are planning to become a resident in your partner’s body and soul-and we both know aint no one got extra capacity- ) , understand that your role is to express thy concerns, let go and let God.
Remember, they are them, trying to meet your expectations; not a mini-you trying to remember who they were before you.
The little law of long suffering, a.k.a. endurance.
This one states that there are things that you have to endure for the rest of your of life- those little flaws that you noticed but were possibly too blinded by love to give a damn. As we learnt in the previous chapter, any flaw not in your own backyard is beyond you; and there is no guarantee that it will get any better with time. (And unapologetically so because you yourself chose them , unconditionally). It could be this habit, or that fetish or the other pet-peeve.
Thing about marriage is that the dopamine high does fade away at one point or another and when it does you notice all these things in tolerant annoyance.
Now brethren, just by virtue of coming from Venus and the other gender coming from Mars, you will need to remind yourself this law is every so often. And for sanity sake, you will learn to unlearn your definition of how things should be done and drop your expectation of getting perfection from your so impeccably flawed selves.
The little law of time, chance and Seasons
Big little law of time, chance and seasons: states that a lifetime is long enough to go through all seasons. There will be seasons of abudance and seasons of scarce returns, seasons of sickness and seasons of health , seasons of overflow of love and seasons of lack of love, seasons of war and seasons of peace and tranquility. Factfile: Marriage is 90% bliss and 10% war. How you handle the season of war can easily turn the 10% to 90% . *Tajistories
Through it all- time and chance will be accorded to us all in due time. Live through your seasons with gentle composure. Stay humble and mindful in your high seasons and in low seasons, remind self that seasons are ephemeral.
As always, sending love and light your way.
* When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.