Dear current or future pursuer…

I salute you in utmost reverence!

Until I say yes, until I have that ring on my finger, there are basic rules I feel that you need to know. You are free to contest and amend a few clauses here and there, but this, my beloved one, is the blueprint. The apple shall not fall too far from the tree.

  1. Asking me out!Image result for How to ask a girl out

Your predecessors did a painfully amazing job in asking me out. They would text me and ask if I was in the house, or if I was in town. As time went by, I met the cream that dropped one liners… ‘Hey pretty, I wanna see you: Your place or my place?’ After exchanging notes with my girls, I realized that this was the new way of asking a woman out. Decent dates for who? Let’s bow for all such predecessors. In fact, let us do a small chant in recognition, a few hearty claps as we sing : “Well played all ye such men , well played*2”

But I know you are not one of those. In the unfortunate case that you are, however, here are a few guidelines:
a) Asking me if I am at home is not synonymous to asking me out.

Until we have had a proper date, even if it’s a walk in the park, or at central park under the quixotic shade of a tree, I will neither invite you nor come over to your place.
b) Plan!

If you ask me out, I expect you to run with it to the end… Do not ask me what my suggestion is. If you do, I will look at you with delight, with all the admiration a girl could ever have for a man… and ask you if we can fly to Miami that very moment. I will tune my head to my bucket list and pull out all the places I have ever dreamt of, all that I ever wished for in a date; and I will expect you to be able to step up and make my dreams come true. If you are not ready to match the bill, (and I know you most likely will not,) allow me to buy into your vision or definition of a proper date.
c) And finally charming one, learn how to follow up. Never ask me on a date and then go silent. I will not follow up on dates you initiated. I will not call you on the material day to ask you if we are still meeting, and where and at what time. I can’t and I won’t. You either pursue me 100% or stay away from me

2. Communicate!

I feel that I should highlight to you what could possibly go wrong with communication. What used to happen is that we would meet: potentials. And then the calls would start, soon drift to late night calls. All good, all fine.New flames burning all hot! And then, the calls would come to an untimely death. Sooner than expected, they would be reborn in the form of WhatsApp messages. From there, WhatsApp would solely become the mode of communication. You know how it goes, chat all day, all excited, all sprung….until such a time when they would discover that they could actually blue-tick zone you. They would learn how to read and close the chat without responding, they would swipe left and ignore your message. Life would go on. Later, approximately 36,000 seconds later, they would text you as though there was no problem at all. Besides being good at lying that they had not seen the message, they would also be good at saying that they had lost their phones. On their desks! HOW?! For the love of me, do not play this card on me charming one. Thanks in advance for listening.

Before we leave the whatsapp topic, let’s agree that forwarding me messages, videos, or what you think are funny whatsapp images does not amount to communication, and thus does not warrant my response. If you cannot start a meaningful conversation with me, I’d rather you maintain the silence.

Finally, whether you spend three months checking on me every hour, every second, trying to get me to smile on good and bad days…without communicating with clarity what your objective is, without telling me what you really want from me…you will forever be just another boy! You cannot start accusing me of neglecting you or taking you for granted if I do not even know what you want with me. With all material respect for your intelligence for picking up fights like these, I beg to advise you to pick useful fights! (Fights which I will look back and realize that they actually have made me a better person). Also, if I do you wrong, tell me! The queendom of sulking without a good reason is mine, it’s a womans territory.

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If I call or text you, I expect you to to treat it with the same importance you would treat an emergency. (Okay, not necessarily an emergency, but give it the importance it deserves). If I start a conversation, I expect you to keep it going. You do not expect me to keep talking to you if you give me one word answers, or do not even respond in a manner that prompts me answer you. I expect you to be interested in my day and in my business. If you have done me wrong, I expect you to apologize. I am one of those girls who accept flowers and small gifts as apologies, or as kind gestures. (I thought you should know). Pretending that you do not know that you wronged me and talking to me as though nothing has happened is just very wrong. In fact, this behaviour will provoke the lioness in me. I will not act as though all is fine when I am mad at you. And baibe,kindly initiate conversations.

3. 50/50% rule

I will not lie to you, this does not sit well with me. It’s now an open secret that I will have to work extra hard for our relationship once I say that yes. That men will forever want to have their cake and eat it. They will want to have you stay loyal to them, while they look out for possibly greener pastures. Only a man can ask you why you are being territorial while you watch them flirt to your face! Or openly tell you that there are younger prettier, less nagging women out there. I see girls who threaten their boyfriends, and then they leave. But afterwards, after realizing that this man of theirs is not about to make any effort to woe them back, they bring themselves back to the box they had tried to escape. They take the initiative to tell the man that they have actually forgiven him already even before he apologizes… A man can be as slippery as a toad when he wants to be, and I already know that…. and Woe unto you if you bore him a child before he married you because he will conveniently make it look like marrying you will be a favor! Story for another day. But you, loving future pursuer will be cut from a different cloth.

Image result for Role of men in a relationship

My womanly instinct tells me that you might join the table of men, sooner or later. Before that point comes when you will join the table men, before you go back to the very cloth of your fellow men, I refuse to switch roles. If you take me out on a date, I will truly appreciate. I will look entertained and laugh to your jokes, corny, dry and meaningful jokes alike. I will enjoy your company or appear to enjoy it. I will make people think you are one of the rare men who know how to keep a woman happy. But then, this does not mean that you have met your 50% part of the deal, and now I am obliged to start looking for you, waking you up to house deliveries of breakfast, showering you with gifts and checking up on you whenever my eyes blink…it does not mean that next time ati I should come to your place with pretested recipes so that I can win your love through the stomach. I am not one of those women with an extra dose of masculinity, those who know how hunt. I refuse to run after you before you even catch me.

For purposes of this post, we shall take a quick jump and assume that I am now your girlfriend. Officially. Let’s say you have given me a commitment ring, or popped the big question…or whatever traditional ritual you plan to perform to make me your girlfriend.

*** *** ***

I am psychologically prepared that the graph of attention will drop at a steep slope. But charming one, I beseech you to smoothen it a little bit. We will have busy days sometimes, we will have days we will have almost had enough of each others, there are days you will face my tantrums and days you will feed me with the bitter side of your tongue…and I will bear it. You are allowed to go rant to your boy. (Just one boy, not all of them.) PAUSE! You are forbidden from sending your friends to talk to me, you cannot bitch about me to your friends and further send them to me. That is called disrespect.

Dating you, my heartgonger, does not mean that I will not go out on a dates with other people. Let’s be realistic, you and I will not live in a bubble. We are bound to meet other people, we are bound to catch up with long lost friends and we bound to look at and appreciate eye candies here and there. But I promise to stay true to you. Our relationship will be based on loyalty and the trust that even in the absence of each other, we will be mature enough to know and respect our boundaries.

Secondly, if you will be jealous, be jealous of things you have done.

Image result for gift your woman

Grapevine tells me that nowadays, men throw tantrums when a woman is gifted. You think it’s a joke until you realize that the veins on the man’s forehead are pounding visibly. Then they threaten you that they will never get you a gift because other men are gifting you. Mark you, this is a man who has never bought you any tangible thing. The most thoughtful thing he ever did was take you for dinner, most likely in one of these fast food joints. This is a man who buys you gifts mentally and with every word that comes out of his mouth. KEY word is mouth. So now he is mad because so and so gifted you… a choker or some priceless jewelry. Something tangible, something longlasting. I can tell you for free that if you don’t buy, someone else will/might. (this is the female version of ‘if you don’t cook or submit to your man, another woman will😬). Us women love gifts, they solve all problems that words have failed to and men know it!…But who am I kidding? Men were not born to naturally buy women gifts, it’s something they learn. I expect you to be a normal man, my beloved. If I talk about gifts, thou shall take it as a hint. And thou shall act on the hint and surprise me. Fullstop. Threatening that you will now never gift me will be met by an arrogant answer that you can as well threaten to stop talking to me because others are also talking to me too.

Friends. The same way I will not ask you to drop your boys is the same way I will not expect you to ask me to drop any of my girlfriends. My life will not be centred around you, and I expect you to know that before I met you, I did have a life. My friends are my chattels, to be guarded with my heart and soul.

As a woman, darling one, I am naturally not easy to satisfy. We always want more. However , I will try very hard to stay content and not to compare you with other men. I will try to be patient, to grow, and to watch you mature, just like wine. To bring out your best as your life partner. But if you are comfortable in the average zone, we will disagree. The problem with us women is that we walk into relationships with our expectations, plus those of our unborn babies…and the ones our mothers have for us! I might tolerate an average beginning, but not forever. You cannot afford to be comfortable there when other men are working hard and smart.

Above all, I promise to respect and dedicate my life to bringing out the best in you..in madness and in happiness. In poverty, and in wealth. In tantrums and in joys. And for you, I promise to be the best person that I possibly can.

Signed

With love..
Current/Future babe 😃

Gold digger!

Image result for gold diggerThe odium on gold diggers is now at its peak. Let’s give a standing ovation to all you bloggers, writers and people who have found time to be part of this finger pointing revolution!

I lost count of the insult on Kenyan women, and all women, for being gold diggers. Mostly, from seasoned douches who will chase a woman with no intentions of getting serious with her. Why? Because they imagine that she is a gold digger, and they, the goldmine laced with diamond fillings. But how is dating such guys like? They will come in cabs, their friends’ cars or their cars because they imagine that a car will raise her eyebrows. They will have consulted their council on some place they can take her for drinks. You are lucky if it is a date, a quiet date. There will be no communication and no mental connection at all, right from the word go. Mr Goldmine will conveniently chip in a hint or two about how they have had a rough time in the last couple of years because they only seem to attract gold diggers. They will put a lot of emphasis on their chubby bank accounts, their good jobs and their good money. They will drop these comments between sipping whatever drink they will be taking. The poor girl will imagine that the drinks are spiked with some bile concoction, because of the expressions Mr Goldmine will make while talking about these women who gold dug his quarry. They will frown visibly and their forehead veins will even pop out. Total bitterness, oh boy!

And you will sit there, unsure of what they expect you to tell them. That you are the saviour? That you are not like the others? That you are different? And just like that, the guy has passed his message….That he is ‘rich’, and that you have a task to prove that you are not a gold digger. The default status quo is that women are gold diggers until they prove otherwise. We are at an age where chivalry is taken for a favour. That men have it in their heads that women are just out there to spend their money, and duck to the next highest bidder. In an era where a woman will feel like dating a rich guy is a crime because she will be branded a gold digger, and dating poor man is a delinquency because she will be seen to have no standards. You find yourself justifying why you are dating a person who is not ‘rich’ or successful. Something like, ‘he is not driving and all that…buuuuut, he has potential.’ We are constantly in the dilemma of having standards, and being real.

But the venom spit on women is not purely from these insecure men. In fact, you will hear it more from your fellow women. Blabbermouths who are quick in pointing out who is dating for money and who is getting married to an UGLY rich boyfriend. You see, handsome and rich hardly ever fit in the same sentence. It is the theory of picking a struggle and riding by it because that thing of being an all-in-one package is out of this world. We live in a society where a man cannot be rich, handsome and good natured. In the same society where a woman cannot just be brilliant, beautiful and genuine in her love. She is either a blond who wears yoga pants from morning till evening waiting for her sponsor to greet her later with chums, or a nerdy ugly plain Jane. If she hangs out with ‘moneyed’ men, she is a gold digger. If she lays low, she is cheap, she has no standards. Same same chatterboxes judging others, will be top of their volume wondering where the men who spend on their women are. Ati, ‘Aki I just want a guy who will spend on me, without me telling him to’. It has come to the point that we imagine if he took you out, it is because you asked him to. They are the ones who will spend an afternoon drooling over so and so’s boyfriend because he took her here and there, or bought her this and that. You can feel the envy from the way they will stare at you, wondering what you have or do, that they don’t.  They will ask where you two met, where he works and what he owns. You can even feel the tremble in their voices when they tell you how lucky you are to have such a man who knows the rules of knighthood….the tremble of jealousy. No one will ever ask you how he makes you feel as the first question! And stop sitting there pretty calling others gold diggers if you know you are asking any of those questions, or wishing you had a man who knew how to spend on you, or who knows his role as the provider! Don’t even say a thing if you know you will start stammering if you are asked if you can date a matatu tout or a primary school drop out who is now a shamba boy.

But even before we go further, let’s all agree that we all work hard so that we can get a comfortable life. Because we sleep in our hard beds and dream about the day we will be peers of the lords, sleeping in rocking beds. We see nice cars, nice holidays, nice homes and all the fine living that come about with success and get instant motivation to burn the midnight oil to secure ourselves a brilliant future. Now if you thought that a future is secured with ropes and chains, you have it all wrong. Money counts, money is the reward for effort. It pays bills and solves some small problems which would otherwise cause marital fights. We work hard so that our kids will never lack that which we lacked in our childhood, and these things have a cost attached to them. Let’s also agree that being successful will win you audience and attract attention at the bare minimum. Money is also a label that tends to give the illusion that you are on a level higher than everyone else. Those are the small facts about life, not rumours. You will be judged depending on what you have, or what you seem to have.

That is the society we live in today. A society that has made deity of a couple of things, money being top of the list. You are rated depending on what you do for a living, where you live, what car you drive, what phone you own and where you hang out. So overrated are these things, that a man would rather take a loan to take a girl out and fit a certain profile. It is for this reason that men have it in their head that a richer man stands a higher chance of winning a woman relative to their indigent counterparts. And they will do just anything to look rich. They will take loans to look more appealing, to be called attractive and romantic…to get the women. They will speak of what they own if they sense that you are not interested in knowing how their bank accounts look like. They feel the need to tell you their worth. Even more offensive is a man who will ask you why you would ever date another man who is less moneyed than himself. They will give you a list of things they would do for you if you were their girlfriend, and the list of destinations they would take you. What money can do!  Woe unto you if you ever decide to take that one day ‘vacation’…because he will spend the rest of his life asking you if you know how lucky you are to have him. Should you ever pick a fight over anything, you will be quieted with that one time he took you to the Mara…it doesn’t matter if you footed half or three quarter of the bill…

But how is chivalry supposed to survive in an age where men feel like any woman they see on the street can smell the money in their pocket, and the pocket of his neighbour. Where even the finest of ladies will also be judged harshly for loving, and being loved. I read a blog just the other day, which insinuated that my small idol, Ess, said yes because the guy could afford to airlift her. That it is a shame that she said yes to a man who only has 200 twitter followers. I wondered if the writer would have done a congratulatory post if she had dated otherwise. But how? They would probably have found reasons to brand her cheap. It doesn’t matter how hard a woman has worked, she still will be judged by the kind of guy she dates.

What is the most important thing to you on a first date? Looks? Conversation? Chivalry? Money? Great kisser? What warrants a second date?I have a feeling that men have taken the gold digging thing as an escape. Ok, I don’t know what they are escaping. But my take is that any man who has the guts to imagine that a woman is after his money, does not even have it in the first place. He is insecure that there are better men out there. And these are men who would never even part with a penny without being chocked by pain in their throat. They are mostly those that can never gift a woman,  because she can be stolen any minute.

Fact is, money is not a snapshot kind of thing. You could have it one moment, and have none the next moment. And as such, it never has been the primary reason for the decisions that women make. But as a man, at what point do you draw the line between being a provider, and thinking that you are being taken advantage of? At what point do you do spend on a woman because you feel the need to, and at what point do you start ‘buying’ her attention and time. At what point do you drop all the labels and genuinely pursue a woman, with chivalry? Without complications and without pride?

And who do you consider a gold digger anyway?