Perfectly imperfect matches…

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The experiences here may be personal, but the truths are universal.
For the girls waiting on their men, the girlfriends trying to keep their men, the married women tolerating their men, the divorcees who got fed up with their men; and the hopelessly enamored who can’t get enough of their men… For our men, the ones exhausted of trying too hard to please their women, the clueless ones riding in the tide trying to figure it out and the ones who found their perfectly imperfect match…this is to you!
The six stages of relationships…

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Diaries…of relationships

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Hello brilliant readers!

marryToday, we shall talk about those questions which do not have answers and leave you doubting your brilliance. When parents, grandparents and the larger society gang up to ask you why you are not getting married. You have the job, the house, the car, and you are a nice person. But then, why can’t you find a husband or a wife? The biological clock is not friendly either. You know things are starting to get thick when your next of kin start suggesting the viable bachelors and bachelorettes and telling you that you probably need to revise your standards as though they were there when you were setting the standards. What matters, they tell you, is simply a respectful person you can start a family with,  humble beginnings never killed anyone and blah!

A friend of mine suffering from lack of a woman to marry recently told me that nowadays, once you hit 30, it becomes a taboo to still call you single. marry-2

Your new title becomes an ‘unmarried man’ or unmarried woman’ and a small graduation ceremony should be held where you meet men and women of your cohort to revise strategies. But I  will be the adorable writer who will just call you single, whether you are 20, 25, 30 or 40…

Why are you single? Or why are you in a relationship you see no future in.Take a few seconds and think about the people you choose to date. What they do differently, how they treat you,  What you see them for, and why we date them. In the grand scheme, why do we choose one person over the other as a partner?  What really makes them better? And why do we settle for convenience relationships or say that we cannot find the appropriate partners?

We spend time lamenting about the lack of men and women to settle with, the lack of eligible life partners. Paradoxically, we live in a world and a generation full of single men and women who insist that they cannot find marriable women and men, leaving you wondering whether the problem is the men or the women. We find solace in failing marriages and opt to lie that we are taking time to ensure that we make the right choice.
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whyI recently got into a  small fight with my good friend. Reason? He had just gone through a pregnancy scare (Yes men do also go through these things)…But then, his worry was not the possibility of getting an unplanned for child, but having a child with that particular woman. ‘Certainly not the type of genes I want for my babies’…he said. Offended (more as a woman than a friend), I gave him some short tiff on how vain he was, asked him why he was with her in the first place and reminded him to keep his mentality that  he was God’s gift to women in check. (Sorry by the way). Thinking about it later though, I realized that we all trend on such acute double standards at one point or another. We possibly have been with people who we either feel are not good enough for us or vice versa.We settle and compromise, but conveniently hope that somewhere along the way, we will get better. That our prince charming or our fairy tale princess will appear and sweep us off our feet and eventually find our happy ending. We consider the possibility of marrying our current partners with faint hopelessness. We cannot admit that we are dragging them along to a future that possibly does not exist, or a future that we do not necessarily look forward to. But we keep the options open so that in the unfortunate case that our happy ending does not eventually show up, we will have a fall back plan.

Sad as it is, most of us date people…not for who they are and the combined synergies we have that would ultimately make us the power couple; but for how good they are for us. Because they are good for our profile, socially acceptable, appealing to the eye, good for the babies…As you climb the corporate ladder, standards rise and we automatically draw the profile for the people we consider for possible partners. And naturally so. When our friends come to us all smitten, we first seek to put a face to the name. We discuss their sense of class, their looks, their background, their brains…and seldom how they make us feel. We subconsciously find ourselves defensively inserting ‘buts’ in every single line at the slightest thought that they will not be accepted warmly into our circles.

And then, we start dating the idea; that they are this, but they will be that; or they have the potential to be that…we get into relationships that we have already played over and over again in our heads. We settle with the expectation that they will treat us in a certain way or they will grow into being our dream partners. (FYI, People never change, much less for others).

deliverWe know what he is capable of doing judging from the kind of things he claims to have done for his ex, he has conveniently talked about the kind of life he ‘leads’,  his potential, and his grand life scheme. He has mastered the art of talking about his life plans alluringly and he is gifted with the striking ability to make you buy into his dream and vision. Complementarily, as a woman, you have the natural ability to buy into a man’s dreams blindly and to believe all his promises. The world temporarily stops when you meet a man who tickles your fancy. #husbandmaterialalert#suitablefatherformychildrenalert#weddingbells#patiencepays and all those sappy hashtags.

loveBut reality kicks in as soon as we get into the comfort zone. As we get deeper, we get frustrated when it turns out that they are not as ambitious as we thought, not as romantic as we had  imagined. The richness lustre probably falls off as we realize that they are tangled up in loans. For men, you start realizing that she is not as brilliant and loving as she seemed. She is more nagging than you expected and more demanding than you can tolerate.  You both start noticing possible greener pastures forgetting that the grass is only greener where you water it. You occasionally stalk seemingly happy  couples on social media and wonder how they do it, how they remain sane while you are suffocating!

happyMost relationships end out of frustration. Not because their partners are bad people, but because the idea that we had bought in the beginning fails to materialize. When he stops putting the effort to win you over, and when she stops the pretence of trying to act as a wife material. ( By the way, women work for that ring, a big deal)! And then there is the money/romance issue. Effort starts being gauged on the price tags and pricey gifts are taken to replace emotional connection. We envy couples who seem to have a certain kind of life, and even pressure our partners to plan for similar things..

ladiesSpeaking of which, I cannot possibly end this without mentioning this in passing. Ladies, do not become a gold digger in the name of being a high maintenance woman or having standards. In fact, run if you find yourself deep in a lifestyle you cannot sustain if the relationship tumbled. If the only financial decision you are involved in is the sort of gift you get, you clearly do not belong there, and if you do, you are part of his wealth/property.   There will come a point when life decisions will become weighty, when you will not be judged by the ability to receive gifts but by your ability to hold the home together and remain grounded.

But perhaps, the problem is never who we date really, but the motives behind which we date.Good luck in finding your genuine happy endings.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Teen love

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He broke my heart into a million pieces.

untitledI was thirteen, fresh into the teen world. I could feel my breasts fighting for that small space to protrude, and my ovaries dancing in excitement. He was a new comer. And when I first saw him, I knew I was in love. He was the cutest thing I had ever seen. He had as smile to die for, and  pair of dimples to match the picture perfect face. TWO FREAKING DIMPLES! And I discovered I was a woman with feelings. I wanted him all for myself. I said a silent prayer, that the good lord would make him my desk mate. Then, Teacher Agnes disobeyed the will of God and put him behind me. My ‘back deskmate’. But I was okay, we could still build a home from there.

Then we did our first exam in class seven. I did not care what position he would secure, it did not matter to me whether he would be top from the bottom or last from the front…But then, he was second from the top! Whoa! My husband was all brawns, all brains. What more could a girl possibly ask for. Surely

I spend half of my time in class seven and 8 turning back to ask him the difference between the leeward side and windward side, about windsocks and windvanes, GCDs and LCMs… and all. And every time I looked back, getting right answers from him over and over, I could tell how brilliant our kids would be. How cute they would be, and the masterpiece honeymoon his brain would craft. I wedded him a million times in my head. And I changed my name to Mrs. Him. I would unconsciously write his name on my books, on my locker, on my metallic box, on my palms: everywhere. My deskmate noticed.

“Ha ha, umeandika andika hiyo jina kila mahali… if you want him, just send me” She teased

Class 8, third term. Year 2004.

Farewell books. He gave his book to write stuff. I, Dorothy Taitumu, wrote…’ I will miss you because I love you

And that statement right there, that statement cost me my marriage! He did not speak to me again. (Oh boy, such a guy…so typical of modern men to go mute at the mention of that word, LOVE). I wish I never revealed my feelings.

2005, form 1.

I was still stuck on my marriage. I had refused to sign the unspoken and unwritten divorce papers. And while my new desk mate Aggie spoke about her boyfriend Yang, I chipped in that I too had a husband. And he was in Bush, and bush was THAT school. I never gave up on trying to savage our marriage. I wrote him letters in very beautiful writing pads, perfumed them, had his name in jaw-dropping calligraphy: and kept them safe. I never got the courage to send them, my bad. Then Lucifer happened, I carried one of the letters home. And it landed on my mother’s hands.  Whatever happened with my mother that day! I stopped loving my pretty boy, divorced him even.

2009 February

endI bump into him. Haha, Karma is so righteous. Adolescence had taken such a toll on him. The dimples that were once a turn on, were covered in that bi*c* acne. Puberty can be unfriendly. He is aware of how his rejection and divorce affected me…and how they  bruised my ego. There has been a coffee date that has been happening since 2010, and an apology from him.

I am back in the city now, so where are we having that coffee? Sanibel island maybe? Tell me Bry.

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Gakii Taitumu

Cold Flames

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downloadBoyfriend? Soulmate? Fiancé? Husband maybe?

Not really, I said a man! Those other labels can wait.

Perplexed I ask, “So what are you working on? Been three years now Nina, are you comfortable hanging in there…

Rewind. Ten or so minutes ago, Nina was at the verge of breaking down. He had stood her up, via a text. Douches are all cut from the same cloth anyway. They miss calls and return with text messages five hours later saying they were asleep, or tired or they did not see the calls coming through. They cancel dates five minutes AFTER the set meeting time and expect you to be ok with that. The extreme ones have batches of children with different women, and they admit to it fashionably, you’d think siring babies is a profession. Something like she (the mother of my child) trapped me, but I have no feelings for her. The only reason  I talk to her is the baby between us! Being the girl who only sees the future 50metres away, you fall for such lines. Your friends look at you and decide to watch that space as you wait to be taken to the alter. (Lol).  And douches: they lie, they love lying! Like saying sorry when they do not mean it, and repeating the same mistake over and over. Fact is, a fault denied is twice committed, a fault repeated is thrice a decision. Period.

I think Nina needs a break to figure out what she wants, and why she is still dragging Jay along. I am all about the tough questions today.. As expected, She is now all defensive, she does not want to let him go. Somehow she imagines she can handle him with the hope that he will make up his mind soon, to her favor.

One reason to keep seeing him Nina?? Why do you still keep tabs?

C’moooon. He’s not bad. Not like that. He’s nice, generally a good  man. Just that, I don’t know. Sometimes, I don’t know! Deep breath, then, a moment of Silence. And then >>>>>>Thing is, He is a bad boy, who’s is a good man<<<. They are hard to resist. And Jay: he  is one of those! She says.

So? What is he to you? And where are you? Are you going to live the rest of your life finding excuses for his indecisiveness?

(Silence)

Theirs has been a rough patch. She can’t quite call him hers,  but he is in her life anyway. She won’t admit she is single either. How now? She goes out of her way to please him, you’d think he is the last man living. But she is not sure what he wants with her. It is equally hard asking him too, where again would she start the conversation?

Relationship? or Situationship? This here is a simple guide that will help you know the ship you are sailing in.images (2)

1. What are we

If you have ever caught yourself one day clearing your throat or fidgeting,  tranna get the right words to ask this question without sounding like you are telling him that *Dude I am now officially your girlfriend*…pause. Situationship alert. Chances are that you did not even ask the question loudly. Thoughts came, then overthinking kicked in, and you decided to wait for an Ess moment. You even told yourself it’s okay if he proposes on a bike, to hell with helicopter trips. You convinced yourself to let things flow and not spoil the surprise that he might be preparing for you.You did not want to sound like you wanted this thing sooo much( Even though you’d kill for a proposal, or at least a commitment ring from him)… Then you resolved to ask him like an educated woman. You planned to bring it up in ordinary conversations. But do you ever talk anyway? I am not saying those messed up conversations of planning for the next drink up, you know half of the time you meet up for drinks anyway. Then later have some awkward talks of how work is, and school maybe, and family. Nothing you wouldn’t talk about with your grandmother. Conversations too plain to even stimulate you to keep engaging your thoughts.  I presume you are now on year three and still having those moments you wanna ask what you two are, and hesitation, and cold hopes of being proposed to… Same old cycle. If you do not know where you are standing, you might as well start walking my girl. WALK. He is not dumb by the way, he sure knows what exactly he wants with you. Or do you think he doesn’t?

2. I am so done with this doucheberg, that was the last time I even tried.

Yeah, you have spend more time lamenting about the doucheberg in your life than you spend fantasizing about your ‘happily ever after’ fairy tale. Sometimes you even cry. But which girl in her twenties has never cried over a man, even if for a second?  The day he went silent all day? The day he stood her up? The day he slept off in the middle of a serious talk and woke up to solito negotium (business as usual)… as though he had done nothing? The birthday he pretended to forget (!!!) or the night he chose the boys over you. He doesn’t seem to know when he pisses you off.  There are times you go for months with zero communication, and he is okay with it. Then, one day when he is bored or lonely or both…he remembers you…and sends some thoughtless text like I’ve missed you…. You go jumping to your girls that he has finally looked for you, you think he has swallowed his pride. The heck? Know your place Ma’m. A man who really wants to be with you will create time for you. If he wanted to see you daily, he would… he just doesn’t feel that you are worth the effort. Swallow that one.

3. You are uncomfortable introducing him to your circle.

When a girl is in love, she will flaunt him. Whether he is 70 years, coal and broke, uneducated or stingy to the bone…she will be proud of him. But now you have this man you don’t even want to be seen with. Problem with those ones is that they will be stuck on your body like a tatoo. Everywhere you go, they want to follow you…and they also wanna be noticed as the kings to your queendom. (Deal with it) . If you find yourself wondering why the hell is is desperate to be all over in your circles, why he keeps asking you to pose for photos with him (which he constantly posts on social media)…RUN. What are you thinking? That one day you will wake up and all of a sudden he is the drop-dead prince charming you always dreamt about? No? Or are you planning a party to dump him ceremoniously because he has been really nice to you? Maybe you are thinking that he deserves to be dumped in a nice way, in a small ceremony attended by close family and friends? Don’t be silly, no break up is soft. NONE.  Truth is, if he did not meet the cut right from the word go, he won’t. No matter how hard  he tries, he won’t. Guys get it wrong that when they have money they become more appealing. Lies! No amount of money or success can iron out the personality disconnect with him. The earlier you walk out of someone you do not share a vision with, the better for you two.

4. You have dumped him a million times, in your head.

In your head because you have never had the guts to tell him. But on what grounds anyway? This is the new normal, breaking up with someone that you never had in the first place. So you find yourself promising by your small finger the way you will never call him, ever! Who? Me? Catch me dead looking for him… “Kwani huyu kijana anafikiria yeye ni nani?“..He is also horrible at communication. The kind that will ignore whatsapp messages even when you can see the blue ticks, and  comfortably tell you that he did not see the text.. Days like these, you call him a a douch. . Is he? Then, work comes before you. His work time is more important than your time. He has no problem keeping you waiting. Men who imagine that they have a bigger claim your time and should only see you when it is convenient for them. Just for the record, being privileged does not make him entitled to your time. If he is constantly keeping you waiting, or the one always deciding when you meet, to his convenience..again, pause. What are you in that ‘relationship’? A personal assistant? The tea girl or what? Halloo? (Waving to your face)

5. He ever said anything like “I am not sure about this.”images (1)

Fine fine. You aint sure, walk away. You simply cannot have your cake and eat it too. It’s not about being unable to decide, because ‘Indecisiveness is a decision!’ One moment he is happy to be with you, the other minute he is unsure. So he sits there, with some henious sense of pride that now you are the girl he is auditioning. For what? As who? Being the good girl you are, you hang in there. Probably trying to prove to him that you are indeed the girl of his dreams. Periodically, you second guess whether you are the woman for him, the kind of a woman he wants for a lifetime. You have idealized this man so much, that his flaws pass unnoticed. In fact, you almost worship his ground. Welcome back to reality little girl. Those are cold flames there. You do not start a fire from cold flames. In lighter terms, you do not ignite a relationship spark where there is no spark from both sides in the first place. Unless of course, you wanna be in love alone. It’s called a love lone zone.

You are probably asking yourself where you lie, or where your efforts are channelled. Most likely you are finding all the reasons why he is worth the try, worth one more chance. Whatever choice you make, ride by it. But by all means, invest in squeezing a fruit whose juice is indeed worth the squeeze.

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