Diaries…of social media

socialWhat had started  as a casual relationship with social media became something serious when I started stopping by at least one social media platform once every day at a bare minimum. I was hooked, still am. 

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In my daily visits, I made a world of virtual friends and idols. I took interest in what they were upto, and I selectively let them know what I was doing too. I liked them and they liked me too; I double tapped, and they double tapped right back. They reacted to my status and posts and I unfailingly returned the favor. I developed a special connection and interest with people I met in this virtual world and I enjoyed popularity in the virtual space. It follows that I developed a  shallow understanding of people’s circumstances that I so blindly believed.

love this girlIt is of such visits that I discovered one trophy couple: Daniel and Dannieller. But then one day I woke up to the news that they had broken up! How? Why? I felt cheated. I had looked at their life and admired it in every way. They looked happy, they went on holidays and publicly displayed their affection. He took time to appreciate her and confess his love for this woman who had taken his heart to a captivity he would gladly live  in for a lifetime. And she said he was loyal, smart, her dream come true and all the sappy sentiments a girl in love possibly could…. (more…)

Female dictionary

Lazing the weekend away  with this small collection of weird things girls say or do that leave men confused…and what they mean.

1.We don’t talk anymore

The conversation is going perfectly well. Peppered with hearty laughs here and there. Then madam’s tone changes. “Babe, we don’t talk anymore” And you stand there startled. What does she  mean? Have we not been talking!!? No, don’t start telling her that you actually talk.. Because she is right. You DO NOT talk. I mean, you do not have deep CON.VER.SA.TIONs anymore.  I also do not know what women mean by the word conversation. What I know is that  there comes that point in time you feel  like you are not connecting mentally, emotionally, small talk wise, big talk wise and all.

Or she probably puts it more bluntly, like “you don’t  have time for me these days“… And you wonder what she means, you do not understand because you are with her that time, and you were together the day before, and two days before that.  I’ll tell you what she means. You are spending time with her, yes, but you are mostly busy on other things. Either you are preoccupied with this and that idea, or football, or PS (who invented this thing by the way????) or whatever other thing was distracting you. You are not actively contributing to conversations, or maybe, something is just disturbing you. Please try be more attentive to her, and at least participate actively in conversations at the bare minimum. This small fight will soon be history.

2. I’m done, for good.

Don’t call me, don’t  text me…like I am done this time.  I think I have given you more than enough chances. Literally, this means you are not supposed to call her, ever again. But try not call her. War.

So you won’t call me huh? You wrong me and expect me to start looking for you, really?? Kwani you are not planning to fight for this relationship. Can’t we just fight and make up? What is the future of a relationship where you cannot disagree and be mad at each other  for some time…”

She will continue blathering and making you feel guilty for taking her words seriously. Did she not tell you not to call her anyway?I will not be on the ladies side here.  If you want him to talk to you later, tell him just that. Something like, “You have annoyed me, and my mind tells me that I don’t want to talk to you again. But just call me later. It’s okay. I will be ready to make up…”Or something more straight like: “I am telling you not to talk to me, but my expectation is that you are going to fight  for me, for us.!”

Why torture him with mixed commands? How will he know when you want him to take you seriously and when you don’t mean what you say? Digest that.

3.  Keep talking to whoever you were talking to

You missed her call. One of those days Missus has a lot of time in her hands. So she goes to whatsapp to wait for you there.  You are not online, but soon you will be there. Her instincts are never wrong, you come online before you return her call. And you do! You are now online, you are not ‘typing’…and you freaking hell missed her call and haven’t called back.

So here is the thing. Whatsapp will be end of a lot of women, and men alike. She will calculate how many minutes you are online with increasing womanly anger. There is no win here. Fail to text her and it’s another fight altogether. The fact that you are online means you definitely have seen her missed call, and you have your phone with you. (She will do a lot of Math on how to deal with you)….And if you text her, she most probably won’t respond. Or she will tell you to keep talking to whoever you were talking to. Si uendelee kuongea na mwenye ulikuwa unaongea na yeye.  She was counting nanoseconds and having monologues…how is he online and he is not talking to me.

I do not have a solution for this, but we got your back. We are  fully aware of your circumstances and will try come up with a solution.

But for a start if she has refused to talk to you on whatsapp, ask yourself how long you were online before you send her the message, or if you have returned her previous call/text…And make amends going forward.

4.I am this kind of a girl

This one is common, especially with the campus divas. Ati I am a flowers, teddies, chocolates and holidays kind of girl. Mark you, this is a girl who has never bought herself a fudge, or even a teddy bear for a key holder. But she will chip in her love for these things at every available opportunity. My genuine third cent is that if you want something, just go ahead and ask for it. Like why are we beating about the bush? And don’t force it. Just because so and so got flowers, you now tell your boyfriend to send you flowers in the office, and chocolates and what message tag. But Valentine’s day is going to be a bit tricky, we can bend the rule of forcing things. Like you should  know she cannot be the only one eating other people’s chocolates while she is putting nothing on the table! Hint hint, do something on valentines day. And remember important dates for Pete’s sake.

5. Alter egos

I saved complex things for last. There is some spirit of self exultation that enters a normal woman’s mind when she is around him. She will be all fine and all down to earth when coming for that date. She will even wobble in those six-inche heels across town. Then she meets you, and snap, a whole new woman inside her is let loose. She will order things she cannot even pronounce, pick a very refined accent, and loosely drop hobbies she does not even know. Like telling you how she loves skating and Scuba diving when in reality the deepest she has gone under water is when the roads flooded. She will speak of designers and her fine  taste for life. Dare take her to a shady restaurant and she won’t talk to you anytime this year. Do not mention that you once spotted her at that fast food place around River road that is open 24hours for revelers. The one you are talking to now, does not even take fries. What was the name of that South C chic again who could not eat cheap foods like fries?

And after that date, hire a cab for her. That is if you are not dropping her there yourself. How do you expect such a diva to walk though? (Yeah yeah, because she took a flight to come for that date. Smh!). But let me share some secret. If she insists on standards on material things day in day out…open your eyes. That is a woman who will never see you for anything more than your wallet. I might not be an expert here, but love has no complications and no pride. If what she feels is something close to love, you sure will know by the drive of her conversations, her realness and her ability to enjoy the small moments with magical gaiety.

Cold Flames

downloadBoyfriend? Soulmate? Fiancé? Husband maybe?

Not really, I said a man! Those other labels can wait.

Perplexed I ask, “So what are you working on? Been three years now Nina, are you comfortable hanging in there…

Rewind. Ten or so minutes ago, Nina was at the verge of breaking down. He had stood her up, via a text. They are all cut from the same cloth anyway. They miss calls and return with text messages five hours later saying they were asleep, or tired or they did not see the calls coming through. They cancel dates five minutes AFTER the set meeting time and expect you to be ok with that. The extreme ones have batches of children with different women, and they admit to it fashionably, you’d think siring babies is a profession. Something like she (the mother of my child) trapped me, but I have no feelings for her. The only reason  I talk to her is the baby between us! Being the girl who only sees the future 50metres away, you fall for such lines. Your friends look at you and decide to watch that space as you wait to be taken to the alter. (Lol).  Plus, they lie, they love lying! Like saying sorry when they do not mean it, and repeating the same mistake over and over. Fact is, a fault denied is twice committed, a fault repeated is thrice a decision. Period.

I think Nina needs a break to figure out what she wants, and why she is still dragging Jay along. I am all about the tough questions today.. As expected, She is now all defensive, she does not want to let him go. Somehow she imagines she can handle him with the hope that he will make up his mind soon, to her favor.

One reason to keep seeing him Nina?? Why do you still keep tabs?

C’moooon. He’s not bad. Not like that. He’s nice, generally a good  man. Just that, I don’t know. Sometimes, I don’t know! Deep breath, then, a moment of Silence. And then >>>>>>Thing is, He is a bad boy, who’s is a good man<<<. They are hard to resist. And Jay: he  is one of those! She says.

So? What is he to you? And where are you? Are you going to live the rest of your life finding excuses for his indecisiveness?

(Silence)

Theirs has been a rough patch. She can’t quite call him hers,  but he is in her life anyway. She won’t admit she is single either. How now? She goes out of her way to please him, you’d think he is the last man living. But she is not sure what he wants with her. It is equally hard asking him too, where again would she start the conversation?

Relationship? or Situationship? This here is a simple guide that will help you know the ship you are sailing in.images (2)

1. What are we

If you have ever caught yourself one day clearing your throat or fidgeting,  tranna get the right words to ask this question without sounding like you are telling him that *Sir, do you know that you are my boyfriend and I am your girlfriend?*…pause. Situationship alert. Chances are that you did not even ask the question loudly. Thoughts came, then overthinking kicked in, and you decided to wait. (For that proposal 😂😂). You convinced yourself to let things flow and not spoil the surprise that he might be preparing for you.You did not want to sound like you wanted this thing sooo much( Even though you’d kill for a proposal, or at least a commitment ring from him)… Then you resolved to ask him like an educated woman. You planned to bring it up in ordinary conversations. But do you ever talk anyway? I am not saying those messed up conversations of planning for the next drink up, you know half of the time you meet up for drinks anyway. Then later have some awkward talks of how work is, and school maybe, and family. Nothing you wouldn’t talk about with your grandmother. Conversations too plain to even stimulate you to keep engaging your thoughts.  I presume you are now on year three and still having those moments you wanna ask what you two are, and hesitation, and cold hopes of being proposed to… Same old cycle. If you do not know where you are standing, you might as well start walking my girl. WALK. He is not dumb by the way, he sure knows what exactly he wants with you. Or do you think he doesn’t?

2. I am so done with this, that was the last time I even tried.

Yeah, you have spent more time lamenting about your struggles than you spend fantasizing about your ‘happily ever after’ fairy tale. Sometimes you even cry. But which girl in her twenties has never cried over a man, even if for a second?  The day he went silent all day? The day he stood her up? The day he slept off in the middle of a serious talk and woke up to solito negotium (business as usual)… as though he had done nothing? The birthday he pretended to forget (!!!) or the night he chose the boys over you. He doesn’t seem to know when he pisses you off.  There are times you go for months with zero communication, and he is okay with it. Then, one day when he is bored or lonely or both…he remembers you…and sends some very thoughtful text like I’ve missed you. (Veeeery thoughtful indeed). You go jumping to your girls that he has finally looked for you, you think he has finally realized that you are the *it. The heck? Know your place Ma’m. A man who really wants to be with you will create time for you. If he wanted to see you daily, he would… he just doesn’t feel that you are worth the effort. Read that again.

3. You are uncomfortable introducing him to your circle.

When a girl is in love, she will flaunt him. Whether he is 70 years, coal and broke, uneducated or stingy to the bone…she will be proud of him. But now you have this man you don’t even want to be seen with. Problem with those ones is that they will be stuck on your body like a tatoo. Everywhere you go, they want to follow you…and they also wanna be noticed as the kings to your queendom. (Deal with it) . If you find yourself wondering why the hell is is desperate to be all over in your circles, why he keeps asking you to pose for photos with him (which he constantly posts on social media)…RUN. What are you thinking? That one day you will wake up and all of a sudden he is the drop-dead prince charming you always dreamt about? No? Or are you planning a party to dump him ceremoniously because he has been really nice to you? Maybe you are thinking that he deserves to be dumped in a nice way, in a small ceremony attended by close family and friends? Don’t be silly, no break up is soft. NONE.  Truth is, if he did not meet the cut right from the word go, he won’t. No matter how hard  he tries, he won’t. Guys get it wrong that when they have money they become more appealing. Lies! No amount of money or success can iron out the personality disconnect with him. The earlier you walk out of someone you do not share a vision with, the better for you two.

4. You have dumped him a million times, in your head.

In your head because you have never had the guts to tell him. But on what grounds anyway? This is the new normal, breaking up with someone that you never had in the first place. So you find yourself promising by your small finger the way you will never call him, ever! Who? Me? Catch me dead looking for him… “Kwani he thinks he is who?“. He is also horrible at communication. The kind that will ignore whatsapp messages even when you can see the blue ticks, and  comfortably tell you that he did not see the text.. Days like these, you call him a a douch. . Is he? Then, work comes before you. His work time is more important than your time. He has no problem keeping you waiting. Men who imagine that they have a bigger claim your time and should only see you when it is convenient for them. Just for the record, being privileged does not make him entitled to your time. If he is constantly keeping you waiting, or the one always deciding when you meet, to his convenience..again, pause. What are you in that ‘relationship’? A personal assistant? The tea girl or what? Halloo? (Waving to your face)

5. He ever said anything like “I am not sure about this.”images (1)

Fine fine. You aint sure, walk away. You simply cannot have your cake and eat it too. It’s not about being unable to decide, because ‘Indecisiveness is a decision!’ One moment he is happy to be with you, the other minute he is unsure. So he sits there, with some henious sense of pride that now you are the girl he is auditioning. For what? As who? Being the good girl you are, you hang in there. Probably trying to prove to him that you are indeed the girl of his dreams. Periodically, you second guess whether you are the woman for him, the kind of a woman he wants for a lifetime. You have idealized this man so much, that his flaws pass unnoticed. In fact, you almost worship his ground. Welcome back to reality little girl. Those are cold flames there. You do not start a fire from cold flames. In lighter terms, you do not ignite a relationship spark where there is no spark from both sides in the first place. Unless of course, you wanna be in love alone. It’s called a love lone zone.

You are probably asking yourself where you lie, or where your efforts are channelled. Most likely you are finding all the reasons why he is worth the try, worth one more chance. Whatever choice you make, ride by it. But by all means, invest in squeezing a fruit whose juice is indeed worth the squeeze.

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